(From the Fawkes News news desk, Story by Jeremiah Price)
PITTSBURGH, PA: Hundreds gathered outside a local office building in downtown Pittsburgh today as Jason Garrison, personal assistant to Pennsylvania real estate heir Roy Boyington, plunged the ten stories to his death in a gruesome suicide.
"Everything went better than expected." said Boyington following the death of Garrison. "Garrison was a stoolie and selling our organization's secrets to the highest bidder; bidders who would like nothing more than to see me go under."
The incident, about five blocks from the U.S. Steel building, attracted revelers from blocks around. Shortly thereafter, authorities gathered round to convince Garrison not to jump, even going to the length of asking Boyington to say something to him. Boyington, eating popcorn and drinking a carton of iced tea, replied. "No thanks, let him jump!" This proclamation led the bloodthirsty crowd to a crescendo, chanting "Jump" almost ritualistically. Christine Wagner, an intern within Boyington's organization, said "Nobody liked him anyway, he was a douchebag and he always got in my ass about 'taking too much initiatve'." Wagner also added, "The way I see it, don't get butthurt at me for having the testicular fortitude to take the initiative you apparently could not; you know what I'm saying?"
Five mintues into the chanting, Garrison relented and lept from the tenth floor. Revelers cheered as his body hit the ground with a sickening thud. Some however noted that it was more of a "popping" sound than anything else. When asked if Boyington truly had such feelings against Garrison, even in death, he replied "Garrison was a post-coitus anal discharge, the sort that can not be generated without outside application; I trust this does not bear illustration. He got what he deserved, fuck Garrison!"
A memorial service will be held next week for Garrison. Boyington's new assistant, Amy Park, said that neither he or anyone else would be attending in lieu of their organization "having better shit to do anyway."
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