So You're Stuck in A Disaster Area?

With Hurricane Season around the corner, flash floods in the Southeastern U.S. and the Japan Megaquake, it's clear that we all have to prepare and stay prepared for a disaster. Water, food, a change of clothes and a change of underwear when aftershocks strike are only some of the things you'll need in the event of an emergency.

Unfortunately for most of us, especially our readers from the U.S., complacency is rather commonplace and foresight to some is "fo' suckas." But rejoice, you slacking-assed slobs, Rey has the key to your salvation! Here are five protips for staying alive, the Fawkes way.

1. ARM YOURSELF!

You've just left the shelter of wherever it is you cowered like a girl while everything you loved was swept away by the fury of an uncaring Mother Nature; congratulations! You're one of the few either too unmotivated (or cash strapped) to evacuate and your very survival is an affront to natural selection; you da' man! Unfortunately, looking out over the dilapidated horizon, a shadow of its former glory, what should you happen to find but minorities! Or worse, WASP's with a sense of self-entitlement and your ass is starting to look like opportunity!

One must remember that in the event of an emergency, your fellow man will revert to his base instincts and attempt to dominate you, sometimes sexually, in order to maintain his status quo and quality of life, however fragmented it is. To survive in this wasteland until the authorities show up, you'll have to key into your instincts as well. That means being well armed. Because the only way man managed to surmount the odds and control his environment was through brute strength, cunning and violence.

Some with you will advise you to help those in need, those distressed, hurt or hungry. Do NOT listen to them, for they are testing your resolve. If you help someone, your survival party's members will take your kindness for weakness and elect a new leader. Then, you will find yourself deposed by blunt-force proxy to the skull. Still, you must ensure that you are well-armed and ready to do battle with any survivors who wish to take what few stores you have until FEMA shows up.

...whenever that is...

Ensure you have a main weapon in the form of a hunting rifle, assault rifle or for those of you in an urban area, a shotgun in addition an accurate sidearm. The Beretta M9, is a heavy piece of shit, but it gets the job done and can be held by any idiot with opposeable thumbs (special care must be given to keep this out of the hands of chimpanzees as they are particularly trigger-happy.) If you should happen upon others with superior weaponry, avoid them or steal their weaponry; which leads us to the second part.

2. START LOOTING!

Your food stores won't last forever, and sooner or later your comrades will start to look like lunch (especially the fat one.) DO NOT EAT PEOPLE! Eating people will make you worse for wear and destroy your nervous system. You're not quite ready for hunting either, and you're going to suck at catching food. But even though it is only a shallow husk, it's still (mostly) civilization. Scavenging will become as American as apple pie and a favored pastime when disaster rears its ugly, gnarled head.

...as if it weren't American enough as it is...

Empty houses and old abandoned supermarkets will be the first choice for you and your fellow leaders. If you can find one, garrison that bitch up before anyone else gets to it. The first few days of finding and dominating supermarkets and food stores will be like playing capture the flag in hell and tantamount to guerrilla warfare. Do not hesitate to cap some fools in order to maintain your survival. Your reward: sweet sustenance and the hard-earned right to see another day. Small unit tactics will be key in this dark period in your hitherto insignificant life.

Speaking of insignificance...

3. PREY UPON THE WEAK!

Human evolution has been hindered by the fact that no matter how stupid, ugly, fat, out-of-shape and generally weak you are, some tool bag will stroll in and save you from your pathetic self. You will live again to tell the tale and your voice will rise in joy, a voice that so offends the ears of Darwin. Unfortunately, if yohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifu can be lumped into the above category, you may as well stop reading and await the arrival of violent death from a stronger and therefore, better, force. But if you've got the killer instinct and the will to survive there may yet be hope.

In any ecosystem, the strong prey upon the weak. Even in our civilized society, there is always one more powerful who will consume the lesser beings without an afterthought. You may not be the biggest or most powerful, but as long as you avoid the stronger, you can prey upon the weak too! The best time to do this is at night, or in areas that don't provide a lot of cover, especially when its you and your survivor party against one or two. Stealing from the strong also helps if you're the weakest in your neighborhood. In which case, once again, it is best to operate at night. But if you're smart, you'll have some place to store your loot, so make sure you...

4. FIND SHELTER!

The elements are harsh and cruel. You witnessed their cruelty after (insert disaster here) wrecked your super-sweet, double-wide trailer. However, given this fact there's always the local Red Cross Shelter, right?

WRONG! You are so wrong! I want you to take a moment to slap yourself for entertaining such a foolish thought; I'll wait for you...

Now then, those shelters are merely watering holes for the antelope of society, waiting to be run down and savagely mauled by the urban lions that await nearby. When the feces hits the A/C, you'll wish you listened. The best shelters are abandoned homes. Homes that were abandoned in the suburbs typically, as they are large and easy to remain concealed within.

Another option is farm houses, but again no, because haven't you ever seen Deliverance? Your best bet is to take a cue from my favorite children's novel "The Girl Who Owned A City" and convert your old high school into a super-fortress, where you will rule! No more getting towel whipped in gym class for you; you're the Prom King now, dawg!

SUMMARY:

Congratulations! If you've followed this guide to the letter, you're now the most powerful person in your bombed out and depleted husk of a town. When emergency services finally arrive, they will bow to your might and resourcefulness. Do not be surprised if they beg you to return to civilization to share your wisdom and noble savage leadership; most likely at a new-age fitness center.


-FAWKES OUT-

Intern With Boyington United

By Anthony Boyington:

HEY! Need to make the connections that will bring you into the corporate world with not a bang, but a spectacular explosion? Are you a high-speed and motivated college student with an unstoppable desire to succeed that borders on obsessive? Then why haven't you looked into an internship with Boyington United?

I'll tell you why: You're afraid. Afraid that you're not worthy or unable to handle the challenge of operating under some of the greatest real-estate and business professionals in the United States. Why are you afraid? Because you don't know. But as the old after-school specials tell us, "It's Easy When You Know How." But how will you know if you don't try? You WON'T know, and you'll spend years wondering what could have been. Then, you'll have a tragedy on your hands and you DON'T WANT THAT!

Some of the values you'll learn are:

-PRIDE

-PROFESSIONALISM

-INTEGRITY

-AGGRESSION

-DEDICATION

-LOYALTY

-COFFEE-MAKING

...and so much more. Not only that, it's accredited, so no amount of the vital, economy stimulating work you do will be in vain!

You want to know about job placement? JOB PLACEMENT? Get serious! After completion of your degree you'll be able to snap up any entry-level business position IN THE KNOWN GALAXY. We're talking extra-terrestrial job experience, kids! But the Internship of all Internships is not for the faint of heart, before or after a semester with us! It takes tremendous fortitude to serve, even at a minor level, with us. Your resume or application at any job will become catnip for managers. Start with us and you'll be issued a baseball bat!

That's right, a BASEBALL BAT to keep away the droves of companies trying to employ you! I wish I were kidding...

So don't wander the campus of YOUR COLLEGE wondering what you're going to do with your life, mired in a existential crisis due to your fear and lack of ambition! Give us a call at (412)555-1325, and get your credits TODAY!

Boyington: "Everything Went Better Than Expected" In Lieu of Employee's Suicide

(From the Fawkes News news desk, Story by Jeremiah Price)

PITTSBURGH, PA: Hundreds gathered outside a local office building in downtown Pittsburgh today as Jason Garrison, personal assistant to Pennsylvania real estate heir Roy Boyington, plunged the ten stories to his death in a gruesome suicide.

"Everything went better than expected." said Boyington following the death of Garrison. "Garrison was a stoolie and selling our organization's secrets to the highest bidder; bidders who would like nothing more than to see me go under."

The incident, about five blocks from the U.S. Steel building, attracted revelers from blocks around. Shortly thereafter, authorities gathered round to convince Garrison not to jump, even going to the length of asking Boyington to say something to him. Boyington, eating popcorn and drinking a carton of iced tea, replied. "No thanks, let him jump!" This proclamation led the bloodthirsty crowd to a crescendo, chanting "Jump" almost ritualistically. Christine Wagner, an intern within Boyington's organization, said "Nobody liked him anyway, he was a douchebag and he always got in my ass about 'taking too much initiatve'." Wagner also added, "The way I see it, don't get butthurt at me for having the testicular fortitude to take the initiative you apparently could not; you know what I'm saying?"

Five mintues into the chanting, Garrison relented and lept from the tenth floor. Revelers cheered as his body hit the ground with a sickening thud. Some however noted that it was more of a "popping" sound than anything else. When asked if Boyington truly had such feelings against Garrison, even in death, he replied "Garrison was a post-coitus anal discharge, the sort that can not be generated without outside application; I trust this does not bear illustration. He got what he deserved, fuck Garrison!"

A memorial service will be held next week for Garrison. Boyington's new assistant, Amy Park, said that neither he or anyone else would be attending in lieu of their organization "having better shit to do anyway."

The Date from Hell Continues

"That happens," Veronica giggled behind a cloud of smoke. Liam rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly in the way most men do when they're intimidated sexually. "Is that a bit of your 'beguiling' nature coming out then?" Veronica actually had to pause in thought, a second guess, before replying "Well that's probably a knee-jerk reaction, am I scaring you away yet?" Liam shrugged awkwardly, saying "No," then asking "should I be? I suppose it's just a question of one's interest, vice their nature." Veronica leaned with a smile fanged more with skepticism than actual fang. "Care to explain?"
Liam gathered his thoughts, he was so concerned about making the right impression, about saying the right thing. Yet for a moment, he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was quite literally on a dinner date with one of Hell's minions. An under-appreciated, thoroughly disillusioned minion, but a minion nonetheless. Though despite this paltry difference, it was the differences in perspective that made up the grand tapestry of their conversation. Light, and jovial, with much to be gleaned and learned from the other. Despite the imperfections of both, their interaction was the sort that silenced the room. The type that made you unaware of your surroundings or the fact that your date's brown mink stole was belching up the bones of a curious onlooker. "I think your...wrap just ate a customer." Liam said, his train of thought again derailed. Veronica's eyes snapped to the stole, "Murky!" She hurriedly wiped the blood from the mouth of the stole, which drew the attention of a few other patrons that were, quite understandably horrified. Veronica's attention snapped back to Liam, himself a bit astonished at the spectacle of a demon chiding their garment for eating a grown man. Veronica bit her lip in embarassment, and Liam looked round the diner at the other patrons nervously. It occurred to him, that something needed to be said; a moment of truth in the appalled silence. "I guess he didn't tip?" Liam asked, to which the waitress wearing a surgical mask added "He wasn't a very good tipper, to be honest. I know it's not good to speak ill of the freshly and forgotten dead, but the fact remains he was lousy at tipping." The patrons looked at one another, exchanging nervous glances before erupting in raucous laughter. Liam smiled, thinking about how he "made a funny" whilst Veronica beamed at him in momentary admiration. Ladies like a man who can command a room, even ladies from Hell, Liam thought. "Would you like to catch a movie? I hear its good to leave an audience laughing." He asked. Veronica rose from the booth, her savage mink in tow.

Walking to the theatre, Veronica turned to Liam and asked "So, are you going to finish that statement? Something about interest and nature I believe?" Liam again gathered his thoughts before saying "Well, it's in your interest to date someone outside of your...realm...because you're sick of the same old. But its in your nature to seduce me and the who knows what else. So, my deduction is that you were going to do that, you'd already have come round to that so I'm not worried." Veronica flashed him a smile and nudged him, her strength belying her attractive frame. "Or it could be that it's in my 'nature' to give into my 'interest'; I do have mortal desires after all." Liam glanced away, then turned back to Veronica and said with a smile "I could be over-thinking, you know?"
"I wouldn't doubt that." The fall evening chill was a bit less brisk than one would have expected on the walk to the theatre. After a time, they came upon a homeless young man playing a ukulele. He wore a slouch hat, battered by the elements and an equally battered ZZ Top t shirt with beaten jeans. Veronica, taking pity on the man, dropped a bit of change from her purse into the man's open ukulele case. Liam followed suit, but was compelled to ask after walking past "Why'd you do that?"
"What?"
"Drop change in that man's case. I thought it was all torment for you-
His voice trailed off, Veronica stood before him with arms folded, she said "For one, I like to keep work separate and for two, I don't see the point in not helping someone when you're able. In Hell, if I were to show a kindness to the damned then that'd be it for me. Up here, showing a kindness is something I can indulge. You know sometimes you get sick of the same old 'punish this one, scourge the other, burn the next' and so on." Liam scratched his head, feeling that he may have offended her. "I'd like to apologize, I just didn't understand." Veronica walked on ahead of Liam, who still remained and said "At least you asked, and I was willing to answer." Veronica then stopped after a few paces, turned and smiled "Are we going to catch this movie or not?" Liam quickly followed pace, smiling at the thought.

"Excuse me" a rather thoroughly annoyed voice could be heard behind Veronica and Liam as they sat in a now vain attempt to enjoy the movie. Liam was the first to turn round and find a rather obese man with a face still plagued by acne despite his age and an atrociously fierce "neckbeard." "Is there a problem, sir?" Liam asked, his arm draping across the back of Veronica's, trying to crane his neck to look into the man's eyes. There was a pause; the fat man in his stained "Firefly" t shirt did not expect to have his voice heard. With a wheeze, he replied "Yes, could you tell your girlfriend to take off that stupid hat?" Liam's face twitched in offense, weighted with shock. "Now see here mister, I-
"No you 'see here' buddy. I pay good money out of my pockets to blog film." The neckbearded man interrupted him, immediately pressing his defence. "Films like these, I do it gratis, for the love, if you will. Now I'm not just going to sit here and tolerate two rubes who can't appreciate film and instead like to obstruct my view. Furthermore I find it offensive to the work of the director and actors in this film. I'd rather you just show some appreciation and be on your way instead of wearing tall, silly horned hats!" Neckbeard's voice began to carry, annoying the other viewers. During all of this, Veronica was completely oblivious, thoroughly enjoying the film as much as she could. It wasn't like she could see good movies in Hell, or at least movies that weren't written by the Hallmark or Lifetime networks. Relishing the moment, it wasn't until she heard the words "stupid bitch trussed in green body paint like a cosplayer" that she began to pay heed. Liam and Neckbeard had gotten to the point in their argument when a man will begin questioning another man's "manhood" when she turned round to face Neckbeard. Veronica merely smiled. A smile punctuated with malice, not unlike that of a hunter, savoring the moment before the kill. Her eyes shined like a pair of amber jewels, piercing the darkness like a pair of demonic headlights. To Neckbeard, he felt as if he were staring into the very cauldrons of the ninth sphere itself, or a scene from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," or whatever goes through the mind of a film geek at a time like that. Regardless of which Neckbeard grew pale and unable to breathe or, wheeze, properly. "Do we have a problem?" Veronica asked placidly. "No, Miss, I was just complimenting your..." Neckbeard's voice trailed off, Veronica turned to watch the movie. Liam looked at her in wonderment and admiration. "You have a way with people, don't you?" Veronica, not taking her eyes off the screen, replied "I see you have to start fights to find an excuse to lay your arm on my shoulders?"
"Ah, well played, huh?" Liam smiled. Veronica giggled, leaning into him.
Veronica resolved to walk Liam home, claiming that he was far more likely to get mugged than she. On the walk, Liam asked her "So how often do you get to come up here anyway? I don't believe we covered that." Veronica let out a calm yet forlorn sigh. "Every full moon, so it would be a 'once a month' thing."
"I see," Liam nodded, staring at the sidewalk as they traveled. There was a period of silence, then Veronica reached over to take his hand. "You know, I've come to realize something in my time here," she began. "It's best just to enjoy the time you have, make the most of every moment. I don't know, maybe its an appreciation for mortaliy, even though it isn't really all that 'over' when you think about it. But still, every passing moment of anything can be enjoyed, as long as you're aware of the impermanence of it, you know?"
"I think I see what you mean," Liam replied with a grin, then said "Oh, this is me" gesturing halfheartedly towards the door of his apartment building. Another pause with the sort of awkwardness that comes with trying to find an appropriate end to a evening. Endings are never easy but taking a nod from Liam earlier, Veronica looked at Liam and smirked, asking as he leaned in to kiss her "Now, I'm not going to fall under you seductive and beguiling spell if I kiss you back, right?"
Liam laughed, it was good to leave them laughing after all.

-END-

(This story was written with the permission of the original artist, Winston Rowntree. "Veronica", "Liam" & "Neckbeard" are character names associated with Rey the Fawkes and in no way claim ownership of the the originally drawn characters. While you're at it, please visit http://www.viruscomix.com/subnormality.html and support the artist.)

LifeSalt

I had a meal today
Best meal I ever had
I read a book today
Best book I've ever read
It seems as though no matter what I do encounter
It all starts with you
See I
Never had something that sweetens the bitterness
Nothing in my life makes me feel less adept at this
And the things I do almost every day
Feels like the first time, it ever happened to me
A renewed vigor
A new found dedication
A new outlook, on the same situation
And all in all, since you became involved
It all starts with you
I fought against the odds
And the odds fell in my favor
But I didn't even have to go lift a finger
The thought of your kiss, and it made my strength linger
Now I know that this seems just a touch insane
But I know that my life can not be the same
I want this to remain
A mainstay, a constant
But I'll just enjoy the time, as long as I've got it
I hear the most beautiful sound today
I heard it when you called to me
A siren's song, that just grabbed hold of me
And I can't let myself turn away
No I'm not going to pass up this today
When I say so long
For a moment, all is wrong
But just the promise of another week
So much to think about, how can I sleep?
Since I
Never had something that sweetens the bitterness
Nothing in my life makes me feel less adept at this
And the things I do almost every day
Feels like the first time it ever happened to me
A renewed vigor
A new found dedication
A new outlook, on the same situation
And all in all, since you became involved
It all starts with you

Overworked and Underfucked

Sorry ladies and gents, but as some of you may know this is merely a side gig for me in addition to being a government wage-slave (who probably won't be getting paid this month, thanks GOP) five or six days a week. So as you have no doubt noticed, I'm without updates, and without time as they've got me pretty hemmed up and slammed.

Ahh...all the responsibility of an HNIC, with none of the authority...

Anyway, standby for sporadic updates both to this site and it's associated YouTube channel. In the meantime peep out Subnormality. It's a genius piece of work both hilarious and insightful, but be warned, it will make you think.

Hopefully the writer of the comic will give me the go-ahead for a piece based on his work, but we'll just keep our fingers crossed, won't we?

What The Hell Are You Waiting For?

In a United States gripped by fears of not being able to find a job, we have to ask ourselves what we bring to the world stage in this day and age.

An old flash article listing the statistics of job availability pre and post September 11, 2001 (found here) courtesy of CNN makes a fine illustration of how the job market had begun it's downward spiral. Today, surveying the consequential crash of that spiral, would it not be prudent to ask "Where is the money going?"

While a year after the attack claimed nigh of 3,000 victims, it claimed numerous jobs in the following year. Meanwhile, the U.S. Military experienced one of its highest base pay raises in decades. No such thing as a "win-win" or so it would seem.

Now the Armed Forces of the United States are some of the most formidable, experienced and "involved" armed forces in the world. Our military spending, topping out $680 billion in Fiscal Year 2010 alone, accounted for 12.7% of federal discretionary spending. But hey, the Department of Education is neck-and-neck so that's a win-win, right?

You do remember I had mentioned that in order to win, someone must lose, right?

Well, the loss inherent, is in global involvement. If all we're bringing to the world is men with guns, how then is it a significant contribution? The last time we were involved in a conflict with an undeniably problematic foe was during the second World War, and after that came the cold war. Now, Eisenhower warned us about this during his farewell address in 1961, however our adherence to this warning is not evident; therein we became reliant on the Military Industrial Complex and became consumers, not producers.

Don't even get me started on petroleum consumption...

The answer lies in building a better tomorrow. To reiterate, BUILDING a better world, not taking what good we can gain from it. You may resent that I use the term "we" in this article vice "they" as it pertains to the Federal Government. But considering this is a democracy, we are all equally at fault for equal votes. I challenge the United States, and everyone who dwells within, to create, innovate, patent, build, fix and abstain from fighting with a new vigor. I challenge you to stop voting for those whose idea of foreign policy involves a deployment to a resource rich country, and wants to scare you into believing that they are a "clear and present danger." when they're about as threatening as a rabbit with seasonal pollen allergies in an arboretum.