Intern With Boyington United

By Anthony Boyington:

HEY! Need to make the connections that will bring you into the corporate world with not a bang, but a spectacular explosion? Are you a high-speed and motivated college student with an unstoppable desire to succeed that borders on obsessive? Then why haven't you looked into an internship with Boyington United?

I'll tell you why: You're afraid. Afraid that you're not worthy or unable to handle the challenge of operating under some of the greatest real-estate and business professionals in the United States. Why are you afraid? Because you don't know. But as the old after-school specials tell us, "It's Easy When You Know How." But how will you know if you don't try? You WON'T know, and you'll spend years wondering what could have been. Then, you'll have a tragedy on your hands and you DON'T WANT THAT!

Some of the values you'll learn are:

-PRIDE

-PROFESSIONALISM

-INTEGRITY

-AGGRESSION

-DEDICATION

-LOYALTY

-COFFEE-MAKING

...and so much more. Not only that, it's accredited, so no amount of the vital, economy stimulating work you do will be in vain!

You want to know about job placement? JOB PLACEMENT? Get serious! After completion of your degree you'll be able to snap up any entry-level business position IN THE KNOWN GALAXY. We're talking extra-terrestrial job experience, kids! But the Internship of all Internships is not for the faint of heart, before or after a semester with us! It takes tremendous fortitude to serve, even at a minor level, with us. Your resume or application at any job will become catnip for managers. Start with us and you'll be issued a baseball bat!

That's right, a BASEBALL BAT to keep away the droves of companies trying to employ you! I wish I were kidding...

So don't wander the campus of YOUR COLLEGE wondering what you're going to do with your life, mired in a existential crisis due to your fear and lack of ambition! Give us a call at (412)555-1325, and get your credits TODAY!

Boyington: "Everything Went Better Than Expected" In Lieu of Employee's Suicide

(From the Fawkes News news desk, Story by Jeremiah Price)

PITTSBURGH, PA: Hundreds gathered outside a local office building in downtown Pittsburgh today as Jason Garrison, personal assistant to Pennsylvania real estate heir Roy Boyington, plunged the ten stories to his death in a gruesome suicide.

"Everything went better than expected." said Boyington following the death of Garrison. "Garrison was a stoolie and selling our organization's secrets to the highest bidder; bidders who would like nothing more than to see me go under."

The incident, about five blocks from the U.S. Steel building, attracted revelers from blocks around. Shortly thereafter, authorities gathered round to convince Garrison not to jump, even going to the length of asking Boyington to say something to him. Boyington, eating popcorn and drinking a carton of iced tea, replied. "No thanks, let him jump!" This proclamation led the bloodthirsty crowd to a crescendo, chanting "Jump" almost ritualistically. Christine Wagner, an intern within Boyington's organization, said "Nobody liked him anyway, he was a douchebag and he always got in my ass about 'taking too much initiatve'." Wagner also added, "The way I see it, don't get butthurt at me for having the testicular fortitude to take the initiative you apparently could not; you know what I'm saying?"

Five mintues into the chanting, Garrison relented and lept from the tenth floor. Revelers cheered as his body hit the ground with a sickening thud. Some however noted that it was more of a "popping" sound than anything else. When asked if Boyington truly had such feelings against Garrison, even in death, he replied "Garrison was a post-coitus anal discharge, the sort that can not be generated without outside application; I trust this does not bear illustration. He got what he deserved, fuck Garrison!"

A memorial service will be held next week for Garrison. Boyington's new assistant, Amy Park, said that neither he or anyone else would be attending in lieu of their organization "having better shit to do anyway."